Disabled Women in Nepal Cite Gender Inequality in Care, Family Values

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KATHMANDU, NEPAL - Ambika Bhandari, 26, is beautiful. She says her ex-husband, Krishna Bhandari, fell for her slender figure, gorgeous hair and pretty face. But he left her in 2007 after a car accident injured her spinal cord and paralyzed her legs. "I was on my way to participate in a social program in the Tamghas," she says, referring to a popular local market area. "Unfortunately, the jeep I was in got into an accident. My daughter died on the spot. I only learned about what had happened after I regained consciousness at the hospital." Her husband, whom she'd been married to for nearly a decade, had been working abroad in Malaysia. Remembering the day they parted, Bhandari, who hails from Palpa, a district in Nepal's Western region, says they looked forward to their future together in Kathmandu, the capital, when he returned. "We parted with a kiss and a promise that we would have a better future after he comes back with his income," she says. "But for me, that day never came." When Bhandari's husband returned from Malaysia three days after the accident, she says it was a moment of relief. But relief quickly turned into devastation when she discovered the true intentions behind his return. She says he had come back to Nepal to find a new wife, as his main concerns after her accident were whether he could still have sexual intercourse with her and whether she could bear another child. Though he never came to her and talked about remarriage directly, she says he broached the subject several times with family and friends. "While I was at the hospital, my husband said he wouldn't remarry, nor would his love for me decrease," she says, crying. "But after my discharge, he told me that he would remarry to bear children." Bhandari says she was shocked and hurt. "For a husband who always said he'd always love me and be by my side, I was surprised to see him in a rush to get remarried," she says. "My wounds hadn't even healed, and the doctor had never said that we couldn't have sexual intercourse. It made me cry." Her doctor, Dr. Yuvaraj Kharel, says that her disability didn't affect her fertility or her ability to have sexual relations. Kharel, who works at Nepal Orthopaedic Hospital in Kathmandu, says that he tried to convince Bhandari's husband that patients with spinal injuries could have sexual relations and bear children. "It is important that there is a disability-friendly environment in the family," Kharel says. Bhandari says the doctor told her husband that she could also carry on with routine household chores, such as cooking and sewing. "I heard the doctor tell my husband that I can do all the work in a wheelchair," she says. After three months in the hospital, Bhandari says she was discharged and tried to salvage her relationship with her husband. "We had sexual intercourse [after I returned home], and I told him that I wanted to have a child," she says. "But he told me that he wouldn't want to make [me] pregnant for fear of what the society would think of him for getting a disabled [woman] pregnant." Her parents asked her to stay with them, as she could no longer use her legs. But she says she didn't receive the treatment she had expected in her own house so she returned to her husband's home. Bhandari says she suggested that her husband marry her sister, Bishnu Bhandari, 20. She says that it was her love for her husband that led her to make such a painful decision. "Rather than seeing someone I love get worried, I just wanted him to remarry," she says. Bhandari's mother, Shivakala Pokhrel, 51, says that she and Bhandari's father didn't want their younger daughter to marry her brother-in-law, and she didn't want to marry him either. But Bhandari persuaded her sister to, so the family also agreed. The marriage took place only seven months after her accident. Recalling the wedding, she says her husband's family was happy to have a new daughter-in-law in good physical health. Meanwhile, Bhandari says that no one even offered to help her to go to the bathroom. "After a woman is weak, it seems no one supports her," she says. Bhandari says that she thought that if her own sister married her husband, there wouldn't be much tension in the family. But her relationship with her sister soured. Admitting that she was naive in thinking that nothing would change, Bhandari says she left the house when she realized the family dynamic would never be the same. She now lives at Shanti Sewa Griha, an assistance center for people with disabilities in Kathmandu. "I preferred to [come here and] live by myself because I felt humiliated staying at my parents' house," she says. "Therefore, I requested my husband to bring me here. But it isn't as easy as I had thought. I cry remembering my daughter." Bhandari says that her family didn't treat her with respect after she became disabled. "I think it is pointless for us [disabled women] to expect support from family," she says hopelessly. She says that no one from her family ever comes to visit, not even during Dashain, the biggest Hindu festival of the year. But her parents say they wanted her to live with them because the center is far from them. "It's far, and we can't go meet her," Pokhrel says. "But we hear she's doing well there." Her younger sister says that Bhandari relocated to the center because their house wasn't disability-friendly. She and Bhandari's ex-husband now have a 2-year-old daughter. Bhandari says her ex-husband left for Malaysia again a year and a half after his second wedding. It has now been almost four years since he has had any contact with her. He sometimes sends her 1,000 or 2,000 rupees NPR (${esc.dollar}13 or ${esc.dollar}26 USD), but she says the money doesn't come regularly and is rarely enough to meet her needs. Bhandari, who has no property of her own, says she is afraid of what will happen if she falls sick or if the disability center closes since her ex-husband broke their promise regarding their property. "When he remarried, he said he would transfer the [title deeds of the] house to my name, but now he does not even call me," she says, weeping. She says she doesn't receive financial support from her family either. "Sometimes I crave for sweetmeats and certain food, but all that requires money," Bhandari says. But after living in the disability center for nearly four years, Bhandari says she has grown to love it and the people in it. Seeing other women living with their disabilities, she says she feels she's not alone. She can now do her own chores and also use the bathroom by herself. She has even been receiving a few marriage proposals. But after her own husband abandoned her, she questions who would marry a disabled woman and why and whether she could ever trust anyone again. Women with disabilities say that their families stop caring for them, and their husbands leave them after they become disabled. Even men with disabilities admit that men tend to leave disabled wives, while women stay and take care of disabled husbands. Nongovernmental organizations, NGOs, are working to make up for the lack of care from women's families and spouses and advocate for more rights for women with disabilities. Meanwhile, disabled women in government say officials are taking slow but sure steps to improve rights for women with disabilities. The government lacks official data on disabilities in Nepal, says Tika Dahal, of the Nepal Disabled Women Association, an NGO working with and for women with disabilities in Nepal. Nepali's disability prevalence was more than 21 percent from 2002 to 2004, according to the first World Report on Disability, released in July 2011 by the World Health Organization and the World Bank. Hearing Bhandari recount her story, Sabitri Magar, president of Shanti Sewa Griha, also becomes emotional. "When someone becomes disabled after an accident, they need more care and attention from their family instead of additional sadness and stress, as has been the case for Bhandari," she says. Magar says Bhandari's case is not unique. She says that often when women become disabled after an accident, their husbands remarry. But when a man is disabled, their wives look after them. Other times, she says it becomes impossible for women to stay with their families after becoming disabled because of poor treatment, which also leads to divorce. Sixty-five other women like Bhandari have disassociated from their families and made Shanti Sewa Griha their home. Dahal says that Nepali society views women as responsible for all household work. So when women become disabled, they are deemed unfit for that role, thus disassociating them from their families. Pushpa Rai, 23, who is also disabled and lives at the center, says that at times when Bhandari tells her story, it makes the other women there cry, too. Rai, who is unmarried, says her family took her to the center after she fell out of a tree when she was 11 and suffered a spinal injury. Rai hails from Ramechhap, a district east of Kathmandu. She says her family thought it would be best for her to live at the disability center because there was no one to look after her at home. "Though my family doesn't have enough to eat, they sometimes leave me some money with which I buy and eat things that I like," Rai says. Still, Rai says that if she were a man, her family would have kept her at home and taken care of her. They also would have found her a spouse to take of her as she got older. Rai says that Nepali society discriminates against women. She says if husbands gets injured, women are told not to remarry but instead to take good care of them. She says that even the women's parents favor their sons-in-law. Gajendra Budathoki's story validates Rai's point. A journalist for the Karobar Daily, a business daily published in Kathmandu, Budathoki became paralyzed from his waist down after an accident. But his wife, Kunta Thapa, stayed with him and still takes care of him. "At times like these, both husband and wife have to look after each other," Thapa says. "But only a handful of people are committed." Thapa, who didn't work before her husband was paralyzed, got a job and has been working for the past five years to support their family. She currently works at Kist Bank in Kathmandu. Budathoki is still involved with the newspaper and writes from home. "Thank God, though my husband is physically challenged, he can work mentally," Thapa says with a smile. "I'm proud of that." Budathoki admits that many men remarry after their wives become disabled. "A lot of men have such problems," he says. "This is also because of the Nepali tradition. Because it's a male-oriented society, the trend of remarrying soon after their wife is disabled is on a rise. However, there is no concrete data on this, as there's no system to keep track of it." Dahal says that even the government doesn't have any data on the number of husbands who remarry after their wives become disabled. She says this lack of data reflects society's lack of consideration for women. "In this society that doesn't recognize the toil of women who work 12 to 18 hours in their houses, the situation of a disabled woman is very poor," she says. Dahal's organization, Nepal Disabled Women Association, advocates for the rights of women with disabilities. The organization aims to empower women, advocate for their access to basic rights and raise awareness about the issues they face in society. Local NGOs in 35 districts also implement community-based rehabilitation programs, with funding, direc­tion, advice and monitoring from the government at national and district levels, according to the World Report on Disability. Indramaya Gurung, a member of Nepal's Constituent Assembly who is disabled because of polio, says the government has been making certain, though slow, improvements on the issue in the country. She says that government representatives are taking disabled people's rights into account in the drafting of the new constitution. "We are demanding that the rights of the disabled should be mentioned as fundamental rights in the new constitution," she says. Gurung, who represents the Unified Community Party of Nepal, or Maoist party, says that eight of the 10 thematic committees within the Constitution Assembly have discussed the issue. But the one constitutional committee, which is responsible for compiling the different drafts from the thematic committees, has yet to address it. Gurung says that Nepal as a country has begun only recently to take interest in issues related to disabilities. She says the government has created a policy to mobilize all governmental agencies to foster a disability-friendly environment. Gurung says this means rights entitling people with disabilities to employment, free education and health care, necessary equipment and a welcoming environment. "Unless our rights are established as fundamental rights, there will be no improvement in the status of disabled people," she says. But until these measures are taken and fully implemented, women like Bhandari will continue to be shunned by their husbands and families because of their disabilities. Bhandari's sister-in-law, Parvati Bhandari, 40, says that Bhandari has been a victim of injustice, but that because the society is male-dominated, no one dares to speak up or give her justice. "It's a sin to separate people from their family as soon as they become disabled," Bhandari's sister-in-law says. Bhandari says her disability marked the end of her life with her husband and family. "I think we're just like machines," she says. "Just as a piece of machinery is thrown away when it becomes useless, I was thrown away from my house when I became disabled."